Sometimes I wonder if I should feel more guilty about having moved on with my life so quickly. I mean, 7 months ago, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with the same person. I would have done anything for them and wouldn't even be able to comprehend the idea of being with anyone else. Now, I'm at the opposite end of the scale where I couldn't possibly imagine being with that same person again!
When I speak to relatives or friends I haven't seen in a while, they always ask how I am in that tone that implies 'we know how crap you are feeling, but we are just being polite in asking'. They always sound slightly surprised when I say in a cheerful voice how fine I am and that life couldn't be better at the moment. I know they are happy for me, but it always seems to be a shock to them that I've picked myself up and pieced my life back together already.
I went for a coffee with the ex's mum yesterday. I used to find her a bit overbearing when we were together, but now I don't see her on a daily basis and aren't stuck in the middle of any family arguments, we get on really well. I even miss her sometimes! I mentioned about the new guy and she was really pleased for me. I don't know how I expected her to take it, but on some level I think I expected her to be shocked that I still wasn't heartbroken over her son. Well that certainly wasn't the case!
I sometimes feel that I didn't love the ex enough if I've moved on so quickly, but I know that's not true. I suppose to know that he hasn't hung around moping over me has helped quite a bit! Either way, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I've got my own way of working out my life after love.
Friday 24 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
I've been a bit slack recently in keeping this updated. That doesn't mean I've been resting on my laurels, but rather I've found myself in a bit of a predicament. I've been hanging out with this guy recently and unfortunately for me, he reads my blog. Need I say more?
Anyway, I've decided to bite the bullet and have agreed with him that he can read it, but he is to never let on that he's read it, or I might actually die of embarassment! So here goes, deep breath...
It's fun being around someone new and remembering all the old feelings that you lose - or take for granted - in a long term relationship. I'm also enjoying the feeling of not knowing what I'm doing or where my life is going. I had a couple of Christmas cards recently which both commented on how bad 2010 must have been for me. Looking back, apart from the obvious train wreck, I actually wouldn't say that. I've had more fun in the last 6 months than I have in the past 2 years! You could say that it was this rediscovered spontaneity that found myself and the new guy on Brighton's sea front on a freezing cold December day.
It had sounded like a good idea, but whilst standing on the shingle and being battered by an icy wind, I couldn't seem to remember why. Our day then turned into another non-alcoholic pub crawl (yes, it is possible for me not to drink!) but I had no complaints. Particularly when it started to snow, I wanted to be in the warmest place possible. The company wasn't exactly bad either!
Life after love constantly surprises me with the thought of what I wouldn't have done had my life continued as it was before. It's a scary thought, because I couldn't imagine my life any other way than it is now.
Anyway, I've decided to bite the bullet and have agreed with him that he can read it, but he is to never let on that he's read it, or I might actually die of embarassment! So here goes, deep breath...
It's fun being around someone new and remembering all the old feelings that you lose - or take for granted - in a long term relationship. I'm also enjoying the feeling of not knowing what I'm doing or where my life is going. I had a couple of Christmas cards recently which both commented on how bad 2010 must have been for me. Looking back, apart from the obvious train wreck, I actually wouldn't say that. I've had more fun in the last 6 months than I have in the past 2 years! You could say that it was this rediscovered spontaneity that found myself and the new guy on Brighton's sea front on a freezing cold December day.
It had sounded like a good idea, but whilst standing on the shingle and being battered by an icy wind, I couldn't seem to remember why. Our day then turned into another non-alcoholic pub crawl (yes, it is possible for me not to drink!) but I had no complaints. Particularly when it started to snow, I wanted to be in the warmest place possible. The company wasn't exactly bad either!
Life after love constantly surprises me with the thought of what I wouldn't have done had my life continued as it was before. It's a scary thought, because I couldn't imagine my life any other way than it is now.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Let the Good Times Roll
There don't seem to be many areas of my life that haven't benefitted from my split with the ex. I've actually made good friends with some of my staff at work (bonding over the increasing stupidity of men worked a treat!) which I think - they may tell you different - has made me more relaxed and easy going. This goes round in turn and overally, everyone seems to work better!
As I've said before, I am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and I'm perplexed as to why I didn't see them so much before. I understand that spending quality time with your loved one is definately a priority, but if that comes at the cost of quality time with your friends, then you seriously need to rethink the situation! Ah, the beauty of hindsight. Honestly though, it's fun just to hang out, do random things and have a laugh. I like that I don't catch up with their social lives on facebook anymore, I get to be a part of it.
My bank balance isn't benefitting so much however. I've discovered that I need to spend an obscene amount of money in the hairdressers on a bi-monthly basis in order to maintain my new look. I say obscene but in reality it's probably not overly extravagent on some people's terms, but this is the person whose cut her own hair before, just to be a cheapskate. Those were not good days! I'm also enjoying the girly lunches, drinks down the pub, crazy nights out and uninhibited shopping. I don't have a wedding to pay for, so why not spend a little bit of money on the here and now?
There's one friend in particular who I definately get on with better than before. It was his newfound influence over me that found us surrounded by thousands of screaming teenage girls at Capital FM's Jingle Bell Ball. If he'd asked me six months ago - particularly after hearing the line up - I probably would have laughed in his face. I don't own a single song by any of the artists and couldn't even name you one anyway! But, in true 'yes man' fashion, I threw my sanity to the wind and spent four hours next to a girl who hadn't heard of deoderant. Despite the unfortunate location of our seats (we were right at the back as well) I had an awesome time. Turns out I did know most of the songs, I just had no idea that's who sung them. I even found myself competing with everyone else for the loudest scream whenever a boyband came on. I thought I might as well enjoy myself as I was there!
I feel bad in a way because I spend a fair amount of time saying how much better my life is now, that it makes my ex seem like a horrible, boring person. We had an amazing time together, don't get me wrong, but it's not until I look back now that I realise what a rut we were stuck in. I will never condone his behaviour at the end, but life after love is so much more and in true Hot Fuzz style, it was all for 'the greater good'.
As I've said before, I am surrounded by some pretty amazing people and I'm perplexed as to why I didn't see them so much before. I understand that spending quality time with your loved one is definately a priority, but if that comes at the cost of quality time with your friends, then you seriously need to rethink the situation! Ah, the beauty of hindsight. Honestly though, it's fun just to hang out, do random things and have a laugh. I like that I don't catch up with their social lives on facebook anymore, I get to be a part of it.
My bank balance isn't benefitting so much however. I've discovered that I need to spend an obscene amount of money in the hairdressers on a bi-monthly basis in order to maintain my new look. I say obscene but in reality it's probably not overly extravagent on some people's terms, but this is the person whose cut her own hair before, just to be a cheapskate. Those were not good days! I'm also enjoying the girly lunches, drinks down the pub, crazy nights out and uninhibited shopping. I don't have a wedding to pay for, so why not spend a little bit of money on the here and now?
There's one friend in particular who I definately get on with better than before. It was his newfound influence over me that found us surrounded by thousands of screaming teenage girls at Capital FM's Jingle Bell Ball. If he'd asked me six months ago - particularly after hearing the line up - I probably would have laughed in his face. I don't own a single song by any of the artists and couldn't even name you one anyway! But, in true 'yes man' fashion, I threw my sanity to the wind and spent four hours next to a girl who hadn't heard of deoderant. Despite the unfortunate location of our seats (we were right at the back as well) I had an awesome time. Turns out I did know most of the songs, I just had no idea that's who sung them. I even found myself competing with everyone else for the loudest scream whenever a boyband came on. I thought I might as well enjoy myself as I was there!
I feel bad in a way because I spend a fair amount of time saying how much better my life is now, that it makes my ex seem like a horrible, boring person. We had an amazing time together, don't get me wrong, but it's not until I look back now that I realise what a rut we were stuck in. I will never condone his behaviour at the end, but life after love is so much more and in true Hot Fuzz style, it was all for 'the greater good'.
Monday 29 November 2010
I'm a total fraud.
Writing down my feelings as they've come up over the past few months has given me the chance to really work out what's going on in my head. I always try to be practical about things and as you can see from previous posts, I'm determined not to make the same mistakes again. I even ridiculed my 'old self' for the teenage drama that seems to surround texting a guy. 'I texted him last, so can't text him again', 'Ooh, I got a kiss on the end of this text' etc etc...
So imagine the disappointment I felt when I found myself making these same mistakes again. I thought I was cool, calm and collected, but apparently I'm a total fraud. The worst moment is when you realise that you are behaving completely irrationally, but you still can't help but check your phone every 30 seconds, just in case you missed a message arriving. Then there's that moment when you've got a message, but it's from someone else (my mum's the best at bad timing)! It's alright when I'm in the office at work and no one can see me being so sad, but when I'm around my friends and they pull me up on it...now that's embarassing!
I seem to have fallen at the first hurdle, but I'm not going to let that stop me. Life after love isn't about me behaving like an idiot, but I suppose you just can't help yourself sometimes.
So imagine the disappointment I felt when I found myself making these same mistakes again. I thought I was cool, calm and collected, but apparently I'm a total fraud. The worst moment is when you realise that you are behaving completely irrationally, but you still can't help but check your phone every 30 seconds, just in case you missed a message arriving. Then there's that moment when you've got a message, but it's from someone else (my mum's the best at bad timing)! It's alright when I'm in the office at work and no one can see me being so sad, but when I'm around my friends and they pull me up on it...now that's embarassing!
I seem to have fallen at the first hurdle, but I'm not going to let that stop me. Life after love isn't about me behaving like an idiot, but I suppose you just can't help yourself sometimes.
Saturday 27 November 2010
A good night out
I've discovered yet another regret. I went out for an early Christmas meal with a group of the ex's female friends last night and without wanting to sound really bland, had a really nice evening. What surprised me on the way home was the thought that if this had been the previous year, I would have gone, but I don't think I would have had quite as good a time. I can't pin point why, but it's just a sneaking suspicion I have.
I used to get on great with the guys, let's face it, that's not exactly a whole load of intellectual conversation you have to tax your brain with! The girls however were a tougher nut to crack and although I never felt left out or ignored, I guess I always felt like I was invited just because I was X's girlfriend. Since the split, I've been really chuffed to be invited out with them still and every time I go, I'm really glad I do. I suppose it's nice to feel that they actually want me there, it's not just a gesture.
The only weird thing with going out with girls slightly older than me is the moment when the conversation swings round to people's 'plans' (see, it's not just me!!). It's genuinely scary to hear someone announce that they're getting pregnant at the end of next year, so the baby will be born the year after. Now that's what I call organised! A fight then nearly broke out about which baby names had already been shotgunned and I actually felt relieved to be single and not really a participant in these kind of conversations anymore. If I'm learning anything throughout this whole process, it's that I have a shed load of time ahead of me and the most serious decision I have to make is whether to drink wine or vodka!
I regret not seeing things for what they actually were all along, but you can't change the past and the newfound optimist in me is all about the future. I know that inevitably my replacement will become part of this group too and to avoid any awkwardness it may be place to step away and relinquish any attachment I have, but in the meantime I love being included and let's face it, it's always a laugh!
Life during love can lose you friendships in some cases, but life after love is all about making them.
I used to get on great with the guys, let's face it, that's not exactly a whole load of intellectual conversation you have to tax your brain with! The girls however were a tougher nut to crack and although I never felt left out or ignored, I guess I always felt like I was invited just because I was X's girlfriend. Since the split, I've been really chuffed to be invited out with them still and every time I go, I'm really glad I do. I suppose it's nice to feel that they actually want me there, it's not just a gesture.
The only weird thing with going out with girls slightly older than me is the moment when the conversation swings round to people's 'plans' (see, it's not just me!!). It's genuinely scary to hear someone announce that they're getting pregnant at the end of next year, so the baby will be born the year after. Now that's what I call organised! A fight then nearly broke out about which baby names had already been shotgunned and I actually felt relieved to be single and not really a participant in these kind of conversations anymore. If I'm learning anything throughout this whole process, it's that I have a shed load of time ahead of me and the most serious decision I have to make is whether to drink wine or vodka!
I regret not seeing things for what they actually were all along, but you can't change the past and the newfound optimist in me is all about the future. I know that inevitably my replacement will become part of this group too and to avoid any awkwardness it may be place to step away and relinquish any attachment I have, but in the meantime I love being included and let's face it, it's always a laugh!
Life during love can lose you friendships in some cases, but life after love is all about making them.
Friday 26 November 2010
Winter Mornings
I miss not having someone to cuddle in bed at night but as I keep learning, for every downside, there is an up. For this point in particular, it is waking up with the duvet cover still on me. No more do I have to suffer the feeble excuse of 'the duvet thieves' who mysteriously come in the night and slide the cover off me and onto the person next to me. Instead, as I lie in the middle, diagonally or like a starfish in my lovely double bed, I can wake up warm, cosy and weirdly happy that I have the whole bed to myself. It didn't bother me one bit when we were together, but now that it's a given, I really like it. Life after love is great for those self indulgent moments you just don't get when you're with someone else.
Monday 15 November 2010
The Plan
My completely irrational fear of running out of time is starting to catch up with me again. I'm only 24 but I want at least one child before I'm 30. So, lets say at least three years together before we get engaged, a year to plan the wedding and then another year before the baby comes, that only gives me a years leeway. Interesting, considering my current single situation...no pressure then!
I was explaining 'the plan' to someone at work and felt like a complete idiot as I stressed the limited time frame I now found myself fighting against. I think the embarassment of sounding totally neurotic shocked me back to reality. Well, for a while at least.
I went out for lunch a couple of days ago with three friends, all of whom are engaged. Two of them have been planning their weddings for ages (it's kind of sad to think I used to wedding dress shopping with them) but the third friend, although they've been engaged for what seems like an eternity, never before showed any inclination of setting a date and making it official. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled for them all and am really looking forward to their weddings (and the chance to dress up!) but it made me realise that I'm now becoming one of the rare, single friends of the group. I used to be part of the 'smug married couples club' before being deposited back on the shelf. I have no complaints about my current situation, but it's just funny to compare myself to Bridget Jones - someone I never thought I'd be. Not all my friends are getting married young, but quite a few of them are. Am I going to be one of the last? Am I going to be the token singleton at each of their weddings? Am I going to become the subject of ridicule as they all slowly pair off, one by one??!
This is where the head banging technique that I learned several months ago, again comes into play. This is probably not anything that any potential suitors who may be reading this will want to hear, but if I'm being honest throughout this whole process, I figured it was something I should admit to.
When everyone around is moving on with their lives and mine appears to stand stationary in comparison, it's hard to know what to think. My short term life is amazing. It's fun, spontaineous and all about me, but what about the long term?
I'm not neurotic, I'm not crazy and I certainly don't want to be classed as controlling, but I do want to find the right person. It's hard to admit that this might not happen for a long time yet, but I only have to look around me and see the people who have already found their match to know that my turn will come. Reading this back it sounds so corny, but if all else fails in life, you can only be positive!
Life after love can be scary and lonely, but it's the unpredictability of it that makes it worthwhile. Nothing ever goes to plan (you've just got to read my first post to understand that!) but it always makes sense to have a rough idea. I'm only 24 and have my whole life ahead of me. Life after love has given me that.
I was explaining 'the plan' to someone at work and felt like a complete idiot as I stressed the limited time frame I now found myself fighting against. I think the embarassment of sounding totally neurotic shocked me back to reality. Well, for a while at least.
I went out for lunch a couple of days ago with three friends, all of whom are engaged. Two of them have been planning their weddings for ages (it's kind of sad to think I used to wedding dress shopping with them) but the third friend, although they've been engaged for what seems like an eternity, never before showed any inclination of setting a date and making it official. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled for them all and am really looking forward to their weddings (and the chance to dress up!) but it made me realise that I'm now becoming one of the rare, single friends of the group. I used to be part of the 'smug married couples club' before being deposited back on the shelf. I have no complaints about my current situation, but it's just funny to compare myself to Bridget Jones - someone I never thought I'd be. Not all my friends are getting married young, but quite a few of them are. Am I going to be one of the last? Am I going to be the token singleton at each of their weddings? Am I going to become the subject of ridicule as they all slowly pair off, one by one??!
This is where the head banging technique that I learned several months ago, again comes into play. This is probably not anything that any potential suitors who may be reading this will want to hear, but if I'm being honest throughout this whole process, I figured it was something I should admit to.
When everyone around is moving on with their lives and mine appears to stand stationary in comparison, it's hard to know what to think. My short term life is amazing. It's fun, spontaineous and all about me, but what about the long term?
I'm not neurotic, I'm not crazy and I certainly don't want to be classed as controlling, but I do want to find the right person. It's hard to admit that this might not happen for a long time yet, but I only have to look around me and see the people who have already found their match to know that my turn will come. Reading this back it sounds so corny, but if all else fails in life, you can only be positive!
Life after love can be scary and lonely, but it's the unpredictability of it that makes it worthwhile. Nothing ever goes to plan (you've just got to read my first post to understand that!) but it always makes sense to have a rough idea. I'm only 24 and have my whole life ahead of me. Life after love has given me that.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
Life is a Rollercoaster
The last girls holiday I had was about four years ago. My ex and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and as I found myself relaxing with 3 friends by a pool in sunny Crete, all I could think about was him. I had a good holiday, don't get me wrong, but I remember vowing to myself once I was back home that if I wanted a really great holiday, I wouldn't go without him again. Skip forward a few years and I find myself alone and questioning why I found it so damned hard to go a whole day without hearing from him. I manage pretty well now, after all!
It was a random, flippant remark that a friend said to me in the pub (where else?!) that led a group of us to sample the delights of Blackpool for a weekend. It was nearly a month after my birthday, but I can be like the Queen and have two birthdays if I want, right?
We drank lots, took pictures of stupid things, went to the Pleasure Beach, went to a drag show, drank some more...and not once did I even get a hint of that old feeling of missing something. I know it's easy to say now, but why did I really go that long without weekend away with my mates? It's amazing going on holiday with your boyfriend - everything's fluffy and lovely and perfect, but sometimes it's fun just to let loose. 'Pub' was about the only direction I found myself giving the whole weekend. Nothing wrong with that!
The Pleasure Beach is a brilliant theme park which is full of some historical (they even have dated plaques by them so you know exactly how old the death trap you're riding on is!) and some newer rides. I realised as I stood in the queue for the Pepsi Max Big One that perhaps drinking a mixture of vodka, wine and cider hadn't been such a great idea the night before.
Just so you have an idea of how high this ride goes, it was the first thing we saw when we came into Blackpool - from the other end of the town! I've wimped out of rides before and done the walk of shame past the people behind in the queue and it's really embarassing. The 'obviously can't hack it' comment still haunts me to this day! My other option of escaping the embarassment of vomiting over myself on the ride was to wait until it was our turn before quickly running through the carriage and down the exit ramp. I found myself trying to work out if I was experiencing a 'Final Destination 3' moment. Am I getting a premonition that the cars are going to de-rail and we're all going to die?! Sadly no, I think that's my stomach wondering if it'll make the trip too.
I love my friends, but they did gang up on me and point out a major flaw in my 'yes man' theory if I didn't go through with the ride. I cursed them and called them some lovely names as we climbed to the top of the first peak - which coincidentally is also the tallest bit. There was a stunning view of the sea, but it only seemed to remind me that the further up we went, the further there was to fall. I filled my lungs with air and bellowed with all my might as we tipped over the edge and began our descent, but much to my amazement I found my screams turning to a 'whoop' of delight. This was fun (and vomit free in case you were wondering)!
I repeated this experience on most of the other rollercoasters that day and each one, made me realise that although it sounds incredibly corny (and not just quoting a Ronan Keating song), life kind of is like a rollercoaster. I didn't want to break up with the ex and desperately went through the options trying to find a way out, to no avail. I went through all kind of emotions and undoubtedly called him all kinds of names before breaching the crest and disappearing over the other side to what can only be described as a bloody brilliant time. I would even repeat the whole experience again!
I don't want this to reflect badly on him as I had an amazing time when we were together, but my priorities have changed now and it ultimately results in me having more fun! If he hadn't done what he did and we were still together, I can honestly say that this weekend would never have happened. In terms of girls (and boy) holidays, this was definately one of the best!
Life after love isn't just about saying 'yes' to everything, but about taking risks and wanting to try new things. I felt proud of myself as I stepped off the Big One. I haven't pushed my boundaries in a long time and although my comfort zone is a great place to be, I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer.
It was a random, flippant remark that a friend said to me in the pub (where else?!) that led a group of us to sample the delights of Blackpool for a weekend. It was nearly a month after my birthday, but I can be like the Queen and have two birthdays if I want, right?
We drank lots, took pictures of stupid things, went to the Pleasure Beach, went to a drag show, drank some more...and not once did I even get a hint of that old feeling of missing something. I know it's easy to say now, but why did I really go that long without weekend away with my mates? It's amazing going on holiday with your boyfriend - everything's fluffy and lovely and perfect, but sometimes it's fun just to let loose. 'Pub' was about the only direction I found myself giving the whole weekend. Nothing wrong with that!
The Pleasure Beach is a brilliant theme park which is full of some historical (they even have dated plaques by them so you know exactly how old the death trap you're riding on is!) and some newer rides. I realised as I stood in the queue for the Pepsi Max Big One that perhaps drinking a mixture of vodka, wine and cider hadn't been such a great idea the night before.
Just so you have an idea of how high this ride goes, it was the first thing we saw when we came into Blackpool - from the other end of the town! I've wimped out of rides before and done the walk of shame past the people behind in the queue and it's really embarassing. The 'obviously can't hack it' comment still haunts me to this day! My other option of escaping the embarassment of vomiting over myself on the ride was to wait until it was our turn before quickly running through the carriage and down the exit ramp. I found myself trying to work out if I was experiencing a 'Final Destination 3' moment. Am I getting a premonition that the cars are going to de-rail and we're all going to die?! Sadly no, I think that's my stomach wondering if it'll make the trip too.
I love my friends, but they did gang up on me and point out a major flaw in my 'yes man' theory if I didn't go through with the ride. I cursed them and called them some lovely names as we climbed to the top of the first peak - which coincidentally is also the tallest bit. There was a stunning view of the sea, but it only seemed to remind me that the further up we went, the further there was to fall. I filled my lungs with air and bellowed with all my might as we tipped over the edge and began our descent, but much to my amazement I found my screams turning to a 'whoop' of delight. This was fun (and vomit free in case you were wondering)!
I repeated this experience on most of the other rollercoasters that day and each one, made me realise that although it sounds incredibly corny (and not just quoting a Ronan Keating song), life kind of is like a rollercoaster. I didn't want to break up with the ex and desperately went through the options trying to find a way out, to no avail. I went through all kind of emotions and undoubtedly called him all kinds of names before breaching the crest and disappearing over the other side to what can only be described as a bloody brilliant time. I would even repeat the whole experience again!
I don't want this to reflect badly on him as I had an amazing time when we were together, but my priorities have changed now and it ultimately results in me having more fun! If he hadn't done what he did and we were still together, I can honestly say that this weekend would never have happened. In terms of girls (and boy) holidays, this was definately one of the best!
Life after love isn't just about saying 'yes' to everything, but about taking risks and wanting to try new things. I felt proud of myself as I stepped off the Big One. I haven't pushed my boundaries in a long time and although my comfort zone is a great place to be, I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer.
Monday 1 November 2010
Bingo!
'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possesion of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'
I used to look on this as my favourite quote from my favourite book (Pride & Prejudice, if you were a little lost) but I seem to have taken it a little bit too much to heart as I disembarked on my most recent adventure. Where better to find a rich man, than at bingo?!...Oh, how wrong I was!
Some people had taken great pleasure in advising me of the amount of elderly patrons I was to encounter on my latest trip, but I was fortunately graced with an even mix of ages as we stepped into the bingo hall. I've never been before (I hold my hands up to playing a couple of games online, but as it turns out, I wasn't playing proper bingo at all!) and was surprised to see a mixture of the blue-rinse brigade ranging through to the early 20s - excluding myself and my friends of course.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and giggled like a pubescent school child throughtout most of the games. Did I win? Well, I am delighted to announce that I won't be giving up my day job anytime soon, despite my amazing win of £1.67! I'd like to call it sod's law that despite the ONE line that I get, 3 other people also call out 'Wahey!' on. 'Just my luck' doesn't really describe it!! Did I get a single bean during the line that could have won my £1,000? No, I've realised that my luck is best saved for the games where £5 is at stake...
A special thanks has to go out to two of my best friends that went with me tonight, as without their incredibly bad losing streak, my amazing £1.67 win wouldn't really count as anything! I dutifully bought them a round of drinks in the pub afterwards, but I somehow feel that they didn't truely appreciate the debt that I'd paid to them, particularly as one drink of blackcurrant cider (yes, it's every bit as bad as it sounds) went untouched.
Life after love is all about saying 'yes' to things you never really thought you would do. I used to laugh at my ex's group of 'girl'-friends who went to bingo on a montly basis. Honestly! Who does that at our age?! It was kind of sad seeing the little old ladies perched on the edge of their seats, right at the front of the room, but it made me feel positive about my life. If all else goes wrong, I've always got Bingo - and believe me, if I win as many times as they did, I won't be very upset!
I used to look on this as my favourite quote from my favourite book (Pride & Prejudice, if you were a little lost) but I seem to have taken it a little bit too much to heart as I disembarked on my most recent adventure. Where better to find a rich man, than at bingo?!...Oh, how wrong I was!
Some people had taken great pleasure in advising me of the amount of elderly patrons I was to encounter on my latest trip, but I was fortunately graced with an even mix of ages as we stepped into the bingo hall. I've never been before (I hold my hands up to playing a couple of games online, but as it turns out, I wasn't playing proper bingo at all!) and was surprised to see a mixture of the blue-rinse brigade ranging through to the early 20s - excluding myself and my friends of course.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and giggled like a pubescent school child throughtout most of the games. Did I win? Well, I am delighted to announce that I won't be giving up my day job anytime soon, despite my amazing win of £1.67! I'd like to call it sod's law that despite the ONE line that I get, 3 other people also call out 'Wahey!' on. 'Just my luck' doesn't really describe it!! Did I get a single bean during the line that could have won my £1,000? No, I've realised that my luck is best saved for the games where £5 is at stake...
A special thanks has to go out to two of my best friends that went with me tonight, as without their incredibly bad losing streak, my amazing £1.67 win wouldn't really count as anything! I dutifully bought them a round of drinks in the pub afterwards, but I somehow feel that they didn't truely appreciate the debt that I'd paid to them, particularly as one drink of blackcurrant cider (yes, it's every bit as bad as it sounds) went untouched.
Life after love is all about saying 'yes' to things you never really thought you would do. I used to laugh at my ex's group of 'girl'-friends who went to bingo on a montly basis. Honestly! Who does that at our age?! It was kind of sad seeing the little old ladies perched on the edge of their seats, right at the front of the room, but it made me feel positive about my life. If all else goes wrong, I've always got Bingo - and believe me, if I win as many times as they did, I won't be very upset!
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Life should be a Sophie Kinsella novel
I've always been a fan of 'Chick-Lit' as my mum so eloquently puts it, but it wasn't until recently that I found myself plowing through these light-hearted, funny, romantic novels, like I can't get enough of them. There's something so satisfying in reading a fictional story about someone else's perfect life.
The characters are normally quite plump, drink copious amounts of wine and make erratic decisions that I normally wouldn't dream of. Somehow, it always works out for them though. They dramatically quit their job and without so much of a panic attack, find themselves set up in a cushy new job, where they happen to coincidentally meet their perfect man. Each and every book, whatever the storyline, follows the same pattern. There's always a few problems, a big secret that isn't revealed until the moment when it might ruin her chances with Mr. Right, but you always know that it's going to end up the same way. Happily ever after.
If life were a Sophie Kinsella (author of the brilliant Shopaholic series) novel, then right now I should be bouncing back from my 'problem' and embarking on a frisson with the gardner, or moody landlord. Somehow, I don't see this happening - particularly as our gardner is my brother and my landlord is my mother! - but that doesn't mean to say that I can't have my happy ending. I'll just have to look further afield! I'm guessing it won't be as easily accomplished however and may take more than 300 pages, but let's hope I get there in the end.
Life after love can't exactly be a Sophie Kinsella novel, but there's nothing to stop me from trying!
The characters are normally quite plump, drink copious amounts of wine and make erratic decisions that I normally wouldn't dream of. Somehow, it always works out for them though. They dramatically quit their job and without so much of a panic attack, find themselves set up in a cushy new job, where they happen to coincidentally meet their perfect man. Each and every book, whatever the storyline, follows the same pattern. There's always a few problems, a big secret that isn't revealed until the moment when it might ruin her chances with Mr. Right, but you always know that it's going to end up the same way. Happily ever after.
If life were a Sophie Kinsella (author of the brilliant Shopaholic series) novel, then right now I should be bouncing back from my 'problem' and embarking on a frisson with the gardner, or moody landlord. Somehow, I don't see this happening - particularly as our gardner is my brother and my landlord is my mother! - but that doesn't mean to say that I can't have my happy ending. I'll just have to look further afield! I'm guessing it won't be as easily accomplished however and may take more than 300 pages, but let's hope I get there in the end.
Life after love can't exactly be a Sophie Kinsella novel, but there's nothing to stop me from trying!
Tuesday 19 October 2010
It's all about the hips
My best friend and I decided to go crazy last night. We ventured out of our comfort zone and into unknown territory as we stepped through the doors of a Working Men's Social Club. The smell of must greeted our nostrils and we couldn't help but notice the peeling wallpaper and 1970s retro light fittings along the bar front. There were others there too, but none looking so nervous - they had alcohol, maybe that was the key.
As we watched more people turn up, we realised that without a doubt we were going to be the youngest there. Not so bad, but quite amusing when paired up later on with a short, round (but incredibly happy) gentleman in his mid-50s. We were made to rotate partners throughout the evening and I found myself wiggling my body alongside some very 'interesting' men, including Mr. Snake Hips. It took every ounce of my being to concentrate on my feet as he was very distracting!
It wasn't until I stood in front of the last gentleman who stared intently into my eyes, that I knew that this time was going to be perfect. He stood closer than the others and gently moved my hands around as we paced through our steps. 1, 2, 3..5, 6, 7...with him, I was Queen of the Salsa. As we moved our separate ways and I joined my next partner, I was relegated to more of a Princess role, but I knew my time with him would come again.
I wasn't sure how the evening would go, but I can honestly say that was one of the funnest things I've done in a while. Despite the age gaps, everyone was really friendly and both my friend and I agreed that we might actually make it a regular thing. Somehow, I don't forsee me meeting any potential new boyfriends there, but at least I'll know how to shake my hips when I do meet someone!
Life after love has been all about pushing boundaries and creating new experiences. I still relapse very occassionally, but hand on heart, I would never want to go back to life during love (at least, not with a certain you-know-who) as I've now got a pretty cool life. If I want to try something, then there's nothing to hold me back. Bring on the next challenge!
As we watched more people turn up, we realised that without a doubt we were going to be the youngest there. Not so bad, but quite amusing when paired up later on with a short, round (but incredibly happy) gentleman in his mid-50s. We were made to rotate partners throughout the evening and I found myself wiggling my body alongside some very 'interesting' men, including Mr. Snake Hips. It took every ounce of my being to concentrate on my feet as he was very distracting!
It wasn't until I stood in front of the last gentleman who stared intently into my eyes, that I knew that this time was going to be perfect. He stood closer than the others and gently moved my hands around as we paced through our steps. 1, 2, 3..5, 6, 7...with him, I was Queen of the Salsa. As we moved our separate ways and I joined my next partner, I was relegated to more of a Princess role, but I knew my time with him would come again.
I wasn't sure how the evening would go, but I can honestly say that was one of the funnest things I've done in a while. Despite the age gaps, everyone was really friendly and both my friend and I agreed that we might actually make it a regular thing. Somehow, I don't forsee me meeting any potential new boyfriends there, but at least I'll know how to shake my hips when I do meet someone!
Life after love has been all about pushing boundaries and creating new experiences. I still relapse very occassionally, but hand on heart, I would never want to go back to life during love (at least, not with a certain you-know-who) as I've now got a pretty cool life. If I want to try something, then there's nothing to hold me back. Bring on the next challenge!
Monday 18 October 2010
Some of the nicest people you will every meet.
I haven't seen this guy in over a month, but the first thing he says to me is 'Your hair looks nice, have you had it done?'. Cue blushing red face! To illustrate my point, it took my ex around 20 minutes to notice the same thing!
I see a different couple of guys once a week and yes, some of them can be incredibly moody, but on the whole, most of them are pretty nice. Little bit of banter, few compliments (funnily enough generally followed by a request for a coffee) before I sign their slip of paper and off they go again. I don't have a favourite, but some of the guys can keep me smiling for the rest of the morning.
Who are they? They are the big, burly, mostly tattoo-covered drivers who deliver our beer at work. They've taught me not to judge a book by its cover and that, is what life after love is all about.
I see a different couple of guys once a week and yes, some of them can be incredibly moody, but on the whole, most of them are pretty nice. Little bit of banter, few compliments (funnily enough generally followed by a request for a coffee) before I sign their slip of paper and off they go again. I don't have a favourite, but some of the guys can keep me smiling for the rest of the morning.
Who are they? They are the big, burly, mostly tattoo-covered drivers who deliver our beer at work. They've taught me not to judge a book by its cover and that, is what life after love is all about.
Monday 11 October 2010
This one's for you
They say it takes a tough time in your life for you to really discover who your friends are and although I always thought I knew, my recent 'blip' has only cemented this knowledge even more. It sounds so cheesy, but I'm incredibly proud to say that I am surrounded by some pretty amazing people in my life. However rough, depressing or just plain rubbish my life seems to get, I know that there's an amazing team on hand to help me up. People I never expected to come through so much have certainly surprised me the most and to them and my best friends, I owe a massive bundle of thanks.
It's because of these people that when I drove home today listening to Simple Plan's 'I'd Do Anything', I found myself crying out loud. The title of the song pretty much sums up the lyrics and it made me cringe that a mere 2 months ago, this would have epitomized the soundtrack to my life. 'I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms, to try to make you laugh, I can't put you in the past'...etc. I feel almost embarassed that I literally could have written this song for my own situation, but now as I found myself looking slightly crazy, driving along with the window down and a Simple Plan song unashamedly playing loudly, I can do nothing else but cry with laughter. I never thought I would change my tune, but the combination of amazing friends and copious amounts of wine, really work a trick!
Whether it's a crazy night out in town, a 'quiet night' down the pub, or a chilled night in with a numerous bottles of wine and 'Crocodile' on DVD (awful, but amazing...you can't go wrong!), these are the good times. I only hope one day I can return the favour - but at the same time, I also hope I don't have to either, if it means someone's got to get dumped! I love life after love, but I love my friends even more. This one's for you guys.
It's because of these people that when I drove home today listening to Simple Plan's 'I'd Do Anything', I found myself crying out loud. The title of the song pretty much sums up the lyrics and it made me cringe that a mere 2 months ago, this would have epitomized the soundtrack to my life. 'I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms, to try to make you laugh, I can't put you in the past'...etc. I feel almost embarassed that I literally could have written this song for my own situation, but now as I found myself looking slightly crazy, driving along with the window down and a Simple Plan song unashamedly playing loudly, I can do nothing else but cry with laughter. I never thought I would change my tune, but the combination of amazing friends and copious amounts of wine, really work a trick!
Whether it's a crazy night out in town, a 'quiet night' down the pub, or a chilled night in with a numerous bottles of wine and 'Crocodile' on DVD (awful, but amazing...you can't go wrong!), these are the good times. I only hope one day I can return the favour - but at the same time, I also hope I don't have to either, if it means someone's got to get dumped! I love life after love, but I love my friends even more. This one's for you guys.
Thursday 7 October 2010
I am a strong, independant woman.
I mentioned this a while ago and after one thwarted attempt, I finally went to the cinema today and watched a film by myself. This sounds like a menial event that you wouldn't normally give a second thought to, but for me, it was a challenge. I am a social creature and don't tend to go places, or do things without someone else there - not to hold my hand, but to chat to and have a laugh with.
I was confident as I walked in and I didn't crumble as I brazenly asked the man selling tickets for 'just the one seat' for my film. He didn't smirk, or evenly looked remotely shocked that I was by myself (which I should know from my place of work - a cinema - but it's always different when it's actually you) and flattered me when he asked if I had a student card. Despite today being my 24th birthday, apparently I still look like a teenager. Score!
I joined the 2 other single people in the auditorium. We all glanced around, almost nervously, at various points, as if to reassure ourselves that it's perfectly normal to go the cinema by yourself - other people do it to you know! I contemplated that this might perhaps be an ideal time to make new friends, use the excuse of the 'scary' film to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Unfortunately, there was possibly a reason why those 2 men were sitting in the dark by themselves. I instead snuck into a 'premiere' seat, which I hadn't paid for. I can be crazy when I want to be!
As the lights came up at the end of the film, I left pretty quickly. It's one thing to be sitting in the dark by yourself, but as soon as everyone can clearly see you, that's an entirely different matter. I missed not being able to discuss the film with anyone afterwards, but it was also great in so many ways. I didn't have to hang around whilst someone goes to the loo, wrestle over the middle arm rest, or fight to get a fair share of the drink and popcorn. Call me greedy, but I did enjoy not sharing for once.
I feel as though I've made a big fuss about nothing. Whenever I said to people 'ooh, I'm going to the cinema by myself', I was generally met with the response of 'and?'. Now that I've done it, I'm in agreement that I don't understand what the big deal is. Yes, you can easily feel like a bit of a loner who doesn't have any friends, but the cinema staff don't care (I can guarantee they've got more pressing issues to think about - such as where they should get their dinner from) and no one else really cares either! All in all, I've proved to myself that I can do things without someone being there. I won't go as far as going for a quiet drink by myself (that would just prove I'm an alcoholic) but if my friends aren't available, then there isn't anything to stop me from going out anyway.
If you had asked me this time last year what my life would be like now, I would have described something incredbily different to what it actually is. I'm now a strong believer that you can't predict the future (fate plays a role, but that can be interpreted in many different ways) and by our actions, we can choose the kind of life we want to lead. I've half way through Jane Austen's 'Northanger Abbey' and found the following passage which sums up my life at the moment -
'To be disgraced in the eye of the world, to wear the appearance of infamy while her heart is all purity, her actions all innocence and the misconduct of another the true source of her debasement, is one of those circumstances which peculiarly belong to the heroine's life, and her fortitude under it what particularly dignifies her character.'
I can be a heroine in a Jane Austen novel. What more in life can you need to know than that?! Call me sad, call me a dreamer, or you could call me hopeful. Life after love has opened my Pandora's box and there's no going back, not that I'd want to, let's face it!
I was confident as I walked in and I didn't crumble as I brazenly asked the man selling tickets for 'just the one seat' for my film. He didn't smirk, or evenly looked remotely shocked that I was by myself (which I should know from my place of work - a cinema - but it's always different when it's actually you) and flattered me when he asked if I had a student card. Despite today being my 24th birthday, apparently I still look like a teenager. Score!
I joined the 2 other single people in the auditorium. We all glanced around, almost nervously, at various points, as if to reassure ourselves that it's perfectly normal to go the cinema by yourself - other people do it to you know! I contemplated that this might perhaps be an ideal time to make new friends, use the excuse of the 'scary' film to strike up a conversation with a stranger. Unfortunately, there was possibly a reason why those 2 men were sitting in the dark by themselves. I instead snuck into a 'premiere' seat, which I hadn't paid for. I can be crazy when I want to be!
As the lights came up at the end of the film, I left pretty quickly. It's one thing to be sitting in the dark by yourself, but as soon as everyone can clearly see you, that's an entirely different matter. I missed not being able to discuss the film with anyone afterwards, but it was also great in so many ways. I didn't have to hang around whilst someone goes to the loo, wrestle over the middle arm rest, or fight to get a fair share of the drink and popcorn. Call me greedy, but I did enjoy not sharing for once.
I feel as though I've made a big fuss about nothing. Whenever I said to people 'ooh, I'm going to the cinema by myself', I was generally met with the response of 'and?'. Now that I've done it, I'm in agreement that I don't understand what the big deal is. Yes, you can easily feel like a bit of a loner who doesn't have any friends, but the cinema staff don't care (I can guarantee they've got more pressing issues to think about - such as where they should get their dinner from) and no one else really cares either! All in all, I've proved to myself that I can do things without someone being there. I won't go as far as going for a quiet drink by myself (that would just prove I'm an alcoholic) but if my friends aren't available, then there isn't anything to stop me from going out anyway.
If you had asked me this time last year what my life would be like now, I would have described something incredbily different to what it actually is. I'm now a strong believer that you can't predict the future (fate plays a role, but that can be interpreted in many different ways) and by our actions, we can choose the kind of life we want to lead. I've half way through Jane Austen's 'Northanger Abbey' and found the following passage which sums up my life at the moment -
'To be disgraced in the eye of the world, to wear the appearance of infamy while her heart is all purity, her actions all innocence and the misconduct of another the true source of her debasement, is one of those circumstances which peculiarly belong to the heroine's life, and her fortitude under it what particularly dignifies her character.'
I can be a heroine in a Jane Austen novel. What more in life can you need to know than that?! Call me sad, call me a dreamer, or you could call me hopeful. Life after love has opened my Pandora's box and there's no going back, not that I'd want to, let's face it!
Friday 1 October 2010
Effort!
Now that I'm single, my whole life has become all about possibilities. I don't just have to stay in of an evening, I could go out and do something exciting, where - who knows! - I could meet Mr Right. To prepare myself for this meeting, which could happen at any point, I'm now really aware of my appearance. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not vain, but it definately helps boost my confidence when I know that I'm looking good. I won't go as far as not leaving the house without make-up or if a single strand of hair is out of place, but wearing nice (clean) clothes is certainly a start!
I was a woman on a mission yesterday as I trawled through the local shopping centre in search of a new wardrobe. I loved the thought that I don't have anyone at home who's going to tell me off for spending too much money, or I'm going to have to hide purchases from. The only guilt trip I had was the little voice at the back of my head telling me I already have a top very like that, but that's easily ignored!
I spent time trying out the new bits and pieces of make-up I bought and was feeling all 'new' when I went for a drink with my best friend last night. She'd had a bad day and we found ourselves plowing through bottles of wine whilst she tried to flirt with the group of guys at the table next to us. I lost track of how much we drank, but I was so proud of myself as I realised again how far I've moved on with my life. The temptation to drunk text the ex didn't even cross my mind and it was reassuring to know that I wasn't wrong the other day when I realised that I don't love him anymore.
I don't remember leaving the pub, or saying goodbye to my friend, but I do remember falling over and grazing the whole left hand side of my face on the concrete pavement. I don't remember getting home from there, but I do remember being found on my front doorstep by my mum and younger brother, covered in blood. I can certainly say that I have never done that before! I don't intend on drinking that much alcohol again (although, I'm definately not certain about it!) and am gutted that I've ruined one of my favourite tops. Apologies have to go to my family who were needless to say, pretty shocked by my appearance!
There's no point in me spending time trying to look good if I'm going to end the night covered in blood. Not a very attractive look, I must say! Despite the downfall of last night, I did have a brilliant time. Life after love is fun, flirty and full of lots of new experiences. I wouldn't change it for the world!
I was a woman on a mission yesterday as I trawled through the local shopping centre in search of a new wardrobe. I loved the thought that I don't have anyone at home who's going to tell me off for spending too much money, or I'm going to have to hide purchases from. The only guilt trip I had was the little voice at the back of my head telling me I already have a top very like that, but that's easily ignored!
I spent time trying out the new bits and pieces of make-up I bought and was feeling all 'new' when I went for a drink with my best friend last night. She'd had a bad day and we found ourselves plowing through bottles of wine whilst she tried to flirt with the group of guys at the table next to us. I lost track of how much we drank, but I was so proud of myself as I realised again how far I've moved on with my life. The temptation to drunk text the ex didn't even cross my mind and it was reassuring to know that I wasn't wrong the other day when I realised that I don't love him anymore.
I don't remember leaving the pub, or saying goodbye to my friend, but I do remember falling over and grazing the whole left hand side of my face on the concrete pavement. I don't remember getting home from there, but I do remember being found on my front doorstep by my mum and younger brother, covered in blood. I can certainly say that I have never done that before! I don't intend on drinking that much alcohol again (although, I'm definately not certain about it!) and am gutted that I've ruined one of my favourite tops. Apologies have to go to my family who were needless to say, pretty shocked by my appearance!
There's no point in me spending time trying to look good if I'm going to end the night covered in blood. Not a very attractive look, I must say! Despite the downfall of last night, I did have a brilliant time. Life after love is fun, flirty and full of lots of new experiences. I wouldn't change it for the world!
Sunday 26 September 2010
The Ultimate Test
Jumping from a plane without a parachute, cutting my wrists before swimming with a great white shark, not getting my mum a card on mother's day....as horrendous as these may sound, they are nothing compared to the death defying, awe-inspiring, adrenaline pumping feat I have just completed. A civil evening with the ex-fiance.
Obviously our break-up came as a surprise to everyone including my ex, who had kindly pre-booked theatre tickets for us for a show that took place several months after our disengagement. I recently had two options before me:
1. Don't go. I'm not thinking about me, but the awkwardness that the two other people that are supposed to be going with us, might feel. £30 is a lot of money to waste when you would quite frankly, be somewhere else.
2. Go. We've got good seats for a show I want to see. Besides, I could make the extra effort and show him what he's missing out on!
I spent a lot of time trying to make it look like I hadn't spent a lot of time trying to look good that night. I went back to the hairdressers and asked for even more hair to be chopped off (I haven't had it this short since I was 12 - but I do love it!) and had my outfit planned a week in advance. As I sat opposite him in the pub beforehand, I wondered why I'd bothered. I spent 4 years with the guy, so I must have found him attractive in some way, but I was really struggling now to see what that attraction was. I'm not going to go into details, in fairness to the guy, but I had made alot of effort to look hot...and he, quite frankly...had not.
The evening was fine, the company was relaxed and the show was awful, but I'm incredibly glad that I went that night. I can now safely say that the final nail is in the coffin and I feel relieved of any feelings I may have pertained towards the boy who broke my heart.
After the show finished and we parted company, I could only think of a birthdy party that I had turned down an invitation for. After a 30 mile round trip to discover any single, tall, dark & handsome males I could be missing out on, I was further disappointed to discover that I was the only sober person in a house full of drunks, but at least they appreciated they effort I had gone to with my appeareance. Drunk or not, I'm not going to say no to a compliment!
So far, I've only discovered that my thoughts continually came back to the 'love of my life' that I'm trying to get over, whatever I do. After last night however, I've realsied that I don't actually hold feelings for this person anymore. Yes, he cheated on me and that is probably the most unforgiveable deed a partner can ever do, but I don't care any longer. Mr tall, dark and handsome is waiting for me around the corner and I'm determined to have lots of fun kissing the frogs until I find my prince. If life after love is going to teach me anything, it's about surprises. You can't rely on what you thought was going to happen - it's all about what you don't know is going to happen.
Obviously our break-up came as a surprise to everyone including my ex, who had kindly pre-booked theatre tickets for us for a show that took place several months after our disengagement. I recently had two options before me:
1. Don't go. I'm not thinking about me, but the awkwardness that the two other people that are supposed to be going with us, might feel. £30 is a lot of money to waste when you would quite frankly, be somewhere else.
2. Go. We've got good seats for a show I want to see. Besides, I could make the extra effort and show him what he's missing out on!
I spent a lot of time trying to make it look like I hadn't spent a lot of time trying to look good that night. I went back to the hairdressers and asked for even more hair to be chopped off (I haven't had it this short since I was 12 - but I do love it!) and had my outfit planned a week in advance. As I sat opposite him in the pub beforehand, I wondered why I'd bothered. I spent 4 years with the guy, so I must have found him attractive in some way, but I was really struggling now to see what that attraction was. I'm not going to go into details, in fairness to the guy, but I had made alot of effort to look hot...and he, quite frankly...had not.
The evening was fine, the company was relaxed and the show was awful, but I'm incredibly glad that I went that night. I can now safely say that the final nail is in the coffin and I feel relieved of any feelings I may have pertained towards the boy who broke my heart.
After the show finished and we parted company, I could only think of a birthdy party that I had turned down an invitation for. After a 30 mile round trip to discover any single, tall, dark & handsome males I could be missing out on, I was further disappointed to discover that I was the only sober person in a house full of drunks, but at least they appreciated they effort I had gone to with my appeareance. Drunk or not, I'm not going to say no to a compliment!
So far, I've only discovered that my thoughts continually came back to the 'love of my life' that I'm trying to get over, whatever I do. After last night however, I've realsied that I don't actually hold feelings for this person anymore. Yes, he cheated on me and that is probably the most unforgiveable deed a partner can ever do, but I don't care any longer. Mr tall, dark and handsome is waiting for me around the corner and I'm determined to have lots of fun kissing the frogs until I find my prince. If life after love is going to teach me anything, it's about surprises. You can't rely on what you thought was going to happen - it's all about what you don't know is going to happen.
Friday 24 September 2010
The soundtrack to my life
I'm going through a phase of trying to relate song lyrics to my life. I know it's stupid and I'm still yet to find a song that fits my life exactly, but I still do it. 'Keep on Moving' Five, 'Bright Lights' Matchbox 20, 'Love The Way You Lie' Eminem & Rihanna, 'Behind Hazel Eyes' Kelly Clarkson - I'm there, desperately twisting their stories to fit my own. Even if most of the song doesn't fit the way I feel, there's always one line, one powerful poetic line that hammers home.
I often wonder that if I were to make a playlist to summarise my life now, what would be on it. Would it be all doom and gloom - 'turn yourself around and come on home' or more 'I'm better off on my own'. I would definately have to go with the latter, but there's always those relapse moments where I stop and wonder. If I played him my CD, would he realise what he's done, what I'm going through and take me back?!
I suppose my soundtrack would have to open with Beyonce 'Single Ladies'. I remember dancing to it in a club when it first come out and being really aware that as someone's girlfriend, I couldn't 'put my hands up'. I felt left out and really wanted to, so I did a sneaky little half 'woo' with my hands. Maybe I should call this a blessing in disguise. I no longer have to feel excluded. I am a single lady. Shame they don't really play that song so much anymore!
My soundtrack continually changes depending on my mood or my day. What I do know for certain though, is my soundtrack is far more varied and exciting than it would have been had my life continued on its 'blissful' course. Everything from rock to cheesy pop music is a refreshing break from the sickening lovey-dovey tunes that would have been on my CD. Life after love is proving to be varied and colourful. I think I like it!
I often wonder that if I were to make a playlist to summarise my life now, what would be on it. Would it be all doom and gloom - 'turn yourself around and come on home' or more 'I'm better off on my own'. I would definately have to go with the latter, but there's always those relapse moments where I stop and wonder. If I played him my CD, would he realise what he's done, what I'm going through and take me back?!
I suppose my soundtrack would have to open with Beyonce 'Single Ladies'. I remember dancing to it in a club when it first come out and being really aware that as someone's girlfriend, I couldn't 'put my hands up'. I felt left out and really wanted to, so I did a sneaky little half 'woo' with my hands. Maybe I should call this a blessing in disguise. I no longer have to feel excluded. I am a single lady. Shame they don't really play that song so much anymore!
My soundtrack continually changes depending on my mood or my day. What I do know for certain though, is my soundtrack is far more varied and exciting than it would have been had my life continued on its 'blissful' course. Everything from rock to cheesy pop music is a refreshing break from the sickening lovey-dovey tunes that would have been on my CD. Life after love is proving to be varied and colourful. I think I like it!
Monday 20 September 2010
Flirting for the first time...again...
It's only been two and a half months since the split, but I'm starting to notice myself flirting more and more with any attractive men I encounter. It starts off with a girlish giggle, maybe a little hair flick, followed by large amounts of eye contact and smiling. I catch myself doing it and suddenly stop. I should feel guilty, it hasn't been that long! But just look at those beautiful blue eyes he has, that smile....
Then I realise exactly what I've got to go through all over again. Flirting, the texting, the insane paranoia that develops over the most stupid of things! 'He hasn't text me back yet, why not?' or ''He didn't put a kiss at the end of the text, but he did last time, what did I say?' I remember overanalysing every little detail in the beginnings of my previous relationships - and I know I'm not alone in this one - but god, do I really have to go through that again? I'd love to say 'no, I'll play it cool', but we all know that sadly, I probably won't.
A friend recently made a very interesting observation. She asked if during an innocent conversation with a man, he had gone out of his way to make a comment about his girlfriend. Sounds weird, I know, but even as she said it, it rang a few bells. It's like they feel guilty for even talking to another woman, so to make themselves feel better again, they mention their other half. That's fine if you were starting to giggle at his jokes, but if the conversation was about how your company recently reached their latest sales target, probably not!
With this new bit of information I realised that if I found a man attractive, then what's the harm in me having a little flirt with him? If he had a girlfriend, chances are that he's going to find a way to bring it up - unless he's one of..those..men - but if he didn't, then what have I got to lose? I've got to make things happen for myself, no one else is going to set me up on dates, so why not just go for it?
I then embarked on my first, single night out in town in a long, long time and loved every minute of it! I didn't have to worry about not making eye contact with someone of the opposite sex, or discourage their advances whilst trying to dance with my friends. I did the complete reverse and was very happy to find that other men find me attractive.
Greatest achievement that night - not texting the ex, telling him of my success and what he's missing out on. Temptation can be an absolute killer and if he had been a slice of cake, or bar of Galaxy, I may well have succumbed to his lure. Fortunately for me, he isn't and my phone stayed at the bottom of my bag whilst I enjoyed the rest of my evening.
I wonder now how I went for four years without a really good flirt. The confidence boost you can feel from one wink, or cheeky smile, is immense. If life after love is going to be like this, I think I'm going to have quite a bit of fun!
Then I realise exactly what I've got to go through all over again. Flirting, the texting, the insane paranoia that develops over the most stupid of things! 'He hasn't text me back yet, why not?' or ''He didn't put a kiss at the end of the text, but he did last time, what did I say?' I remember overanalysing every little detail in the beginnings of my previous relationships - and I know I'm not alone in this one - but god, do I really have to go through that again? I'd love to say 'no, I'll play it cool', but we all know that sadly, I probably won't.
A friend recently made a very interesting observation. She asked if during an innocent conversation with a man, he had gone out of his way to make a comment about his girlfriend. Sounds weird, I know, but even as she said it, it rang a few bells. It's like they feel guilty for even talking to another woman, so to make themselves feel better again, they mention their other half. That's fine if you were starting to giggle at his jokes, but if the conversation was about how your company recently reached their latest sales target, probably not!
With this new bit of information I realised that if I found a man attractive, then what's the harm in me having a little flirt with him? If he had a girlfriend, chances are that he's going to find a way to bring it up - unless he's one of..those..men - but if he didn't, then what have I got to lose? I've got to make things happen for myself, no one else is going to set me up on dates, so why not just go for it?
I then embarked on my first, single night out in town in a long, long time and loved every minute of it! I didn't have to worry about not making eye contact with someone of the opposite sex, or discourage their advances whilst trying to dance with my friends. I did the complete reverse and was very happy to find that other men find me attractive.
Greatest achievement that night - not texting the ex, telling him of my success and what he's missing out on. Temptation can be an absolute killer and if he had been a slice of cake, or bar of Galaxy, I may well have succumbed to his lure. Fortunately for me, he isn't and my phone stayed at the bottom of my bag whilst I enjoyed the rest of my evening.
I wonder now how I went for four years without a really good flirt. The confidence boost you can feel from one wink, or cheeky smile, is immense. If life after love is going to be like this, I think I'm going to have quite a bit of fun!
Saturday 11 September 2010
Empathy for addicts
I'm starting to wonder if this is what it's like for drug addicts. I've gone through the withdrawal symptons (well, my version of them at any rate) - mild depression, panic attacks, emotional unstability - and come out the other side. However, I still get the occasional relapse. If I made more of an effort would he like me? He loved me once, what's to say he won't love me again? Do we really have any issues here?
At this point I hit myself around the head with a very large and heavy object. Common sense comes flooding back to me and I realise exactly why my forethoughts are never going to happen. Sometimes it takes a little more than a knock to take my head out of the clouds. This is where I like to have a brief conversation with 'He Who Must Not Be Named' as it's a sure-fire way to guarantee that I'm not going to like him afterwards. He doesn't say anything particularly rude, but the one-sided questions get a bit boring after a while as his ever increasing lack of interest in me becomes more apparent.
I don't know when that moment will finally come when I realise that my heart is no longer his. I know that I deserve better and believe me, I want it, but it all just seems an uphill struggle until that point. It's always made worse by the fact that he's not going through any of this - new girlfriend and all that - but I'm determined I will get there. Hopefully sooner rather than later!
A colleague suggested to me that perhaps I should go to the cinema by myself. I thought she was crazy, I couldn't possibly do that - how embarassing! I have been thinking about it though and it's going to be my next mission. If I can go to the cinema myself (and it won't be the one I work at - that's cheating!) then surely I can conquer anything?!
Here's to life after love, which apparently means solo trips out in public! :-)
At this point I hit myself around the head with a very large and heavy object. Common sense comes flooding back to me and I realise exactly why my forethoughts are never going to happen. Sometimes it takes a little more than a knock to take my head out of the clouds. This is where I like to have a brief conversation with 'He Who Must Not Be Named' as it's a sure-fire way to guarantee that I'm not going to like him afterwards. He doesn't say anything particularly rude, but the one-sided questions get a bit boring after a while as his ever increasing lack of interest in me becomes more apparent.
I don't know when that moment will finally come when I realise that my heart is no longer his. I know that I deserve better and believe me, I want it, but it all just seems an uphill struggle until that point. It's always made worse by the fact that he's not going through any of this - new girlfriend and all that - but I'm determined I will get there. Hopefully sooner rather than later!
A colleague suggested to me that perhaps I should go to the cinema by myself. I thought she was crazy, I couldn't possibly do that - how embarassing! I have been thinking about it though and it's going to be my next mission. If I can go to the cinema myself (and it won't be the one I work at - that's cheating!) then surely I can conquer anything?!
Here's to life after love, which apparently means solo trips out in public! :-)
Wednesday 8 September 2010
Where next?
So I've started ticking off the list of 'break up essentials' that every woman must go through. My hair which once hung nearly half way down my back is now just below my shoulders. Add in a few lowlights and voila! That's one dramatic haircut.
I also had a bizarre moment as I found myself confirming online payment for a treadmill. Exercise? Me? Anyone who knows me will confirm that I'm not usually the most enthusiastic of people when it comes to exercise. But I have piled on a few too many pounds since I've been in the 'happy' relationship, so it's time to do something about it. I am a little concerned however as instead of turning into the chic temptress I'm aiming for, I turn into a red faced, crazy haired mad woman. Definately not the attractive picture I had in mind!
Making friends with my local bar staff has been perhaps my favourite 'tick' so far. I don't even want to think about how many bottles of wine I've consumed since 'that day'. However much I drink, my problems don't go away, but I can safely say that it makes me feel much better about them! Besides, there's nothing like a girly chat and oggle at the very attractive barman when you start to feel low.
Lastly, there was the speed dating. Most people rebound, I however, do it in style! I paid £20 for the privilege of spending an evening with some of the counties moderately attractive guys ranging down to the slightly strange. Some of the oddest of the bunch were possible the more interesting personality wise. But, however much some people strenuously deny this fact - you have to find someone remotely attractive before you can date them. So in order to salvage some kind of worth for my money, I got horribly drunk and flirted unashamedly with men I did not find attractive. Lets just call it a practice run for the real thing!
I've been looking at evening courses - dance classes, yoga, pilates, cookery lessons, psychology lessons. There's so much I want to do now that I don't have to put someone else first in my life. Finally, it's all about me and what I want to do. I feel like a kid who's normally banned from having sugar, being let loose in a sweet shop! What do I go for? Can I have everything??!
It starts with the simple things (like going to the pub when I want to go), but who knows where it ends? Life after love is looking like it could be full of fun....
I also had a bizarre moment as I found myself confirming online payment for a treadmill. Exercise? Me? Anyone who knows me will confirm that I'm not usually the most enthusiastic of people when it comes to exercise. But I have piled on a few too many pounds since I've been in the 'happy' relationship, so it's time to do something about it. I am a little concerned however as instead of turning into the chic temptress I'm aiming for, I turn into a red faced, crazy haired mad woman. Definately not the attractive picture I had in mind!
Making friends with my local bar staff has been perhaps my favourite 'tick' so far. I don't even want to think about how many bottles of wine I've consumed since 'that day'. However much I drink, my problems don't go away, but I can safely say that it makes me feel much better about them! Besides, there's nothing like a girly chat and oggle at the very attractive barman when you start to feel low.
Lastly, there was the speed dating. Most people rebound, I however, do it in style! I paid £20 for the privilege of spending an evening with some of the counties moderately attractive guys ranging down to the slightly strange. Some of the oddest of the bunch were possible the more interesting personality wise. But, however much some people strenuously deny this fact - you have to find someone remotely attractive before you can date them. So in order to salvage some kind of worth for my money, I got horribly drunk and flirted unashamedly with men I did not find attractive. Lets just call it a practice run for the real thing!
I've been looking at evening courses - dance classes, yoga, pilates, cookery lessons, psychology lessons. There's so much I want to do now that I don't have to put someone else first in my life. Finally, it's all about me and what I want to do. I feel like a kid who's normally banned from having sugar, being let loose in a sweet shop! What do I go for? Can I have everything??!
It starts with the simple things (like going to the pub when I want to go), but who knows where it ends? Life after love is looking like it could be full of fun....
Tuesday 7 September 2010
The happiest holidays of my life were the family trips to Dorset when I was younger. I had no cares or concerns, no tensions or troubles weighing me down. If I wanted to make a sandcastle, or paddle in the sea, or eat an ice cream, I did so with no thought to my clothes, or my weight. They were blissful weeks of running free, getting up to mischief and appreciating the simple things in life.
When I look back now, I envy the freedom I had as a child. I lived day to day, with barely a thought of what tomorrow might bring. My life now is very different. I work full time, five days a week, nine hours a day and spend much time thinking about what to do on my next day off. Perhaps my incessant need to schedule and organise our time was why my fiancé decided to leave me for another woman.
We had just come back from two amazing weeks in the Caribbean. Long walks on the beach, watching the beautiful sunsets, boat trips, swimming with dolphins, a proposal. I thought I had it all when I walked through that arrivals gate at Gatwick. I had the future I’d always dreamt of, with a man that I loved to the end of the earth and back.
We planned the wedding together. I looked online and showed him what I’d found. We visited venues, picked the colours, discussed decorations, started to choose the music I would walk down the aisle to. Every decision we made together, including the date. We’d already bought the card and stamps ready to make our own invitations.
It was at our engagement party that the bombshell was dropped. In front of everyone I was told that I wasn’t loved, wasn’t cherished and was in fact getting in the way of a new relationship that the love of my life wished to pursue. The girl in question with no shame of her behaviour, was present that night and again, in front of everyone, took my fiancé home with her. I felt my whole life crumble and cave in around me as I was left to deal with a rejection so harsh, I couldn’t feel anything but self pity.
I relapsed to the days of my childhood. It hurt too much to think more than a day ahead – my birthday, Christmas. I still had my family and friends, but no one special to treasure the moments with. Our anniversary had been the day before and now I understood why I didn’t get a card, or flowers or time spent with me. It seems that when someone has cheated on you and lost their heart to another person, then you are just a casualty of war. All’s fair after all.
At no point did I receive an apology for the infidelity. Instead, I was told how sorry he was how things came out. Apparently four years and a proposal don’t guarantee you common courtesies.
But this was when my life changed. My life had been planned, structured and was ready for the organised route of - buy a house, get married, then have kids. Suddenly, within a matter of hours, I was left to fend for myself with no hint of a plan in sight.
I decided at this point, I had two paths I could go down. The first path led me to anger, upset and a long time of self loathing. I could rehash previous events again and again in the vain hope that I would find exactly what it was that I’d done wrong. (I was desperately trying to keep the vindictive thoughts at bay) Or, I could move upwards. I could rise above the whole mess and become the better person. In 10 years time when I look back at my life, I want to be proud of my actions. I want other people to look at me and think ‘wow, she handled that well’.
The path I have chosen is not an easy ride. To still speak to the cheater and know that he’s still seeing the other girl is incredibly hard. People don’t know how to react to me when I bring him up in a conversation. Four years together means we’ve done an awful lot of things and it’s very hard to go ‘I’ve done that’ without mentioning the other person’s name. Some are okay, others try to change the subject as quickly as possible and then there are those who can’t even look me in the eye. I’m not the one who did anything wrong, but I’m still left to deal with the mess.
The other person will always have to deal with the fact that despite the situation he grew up with, he still followed in his father's footsteps and broke a woman's heart, all for his own selfish means. He will always be a cheater and there will always be that small seed of doubt in any future partner that if he cheated on his fiancee, then he can certainly cheat on his girlfriend.
I however have decided to put the past behind me as much as possible. It kills me to know that the love of my life will never come crawling back and give me the opportunity to call the shots, but perhaps it's just as well, for I don't think I have much room for him in my new life. I've been given a second chance at things and I plan to make the most of it!
There is life after love and that's what I'm determined to find.
When I look back now, I envy the freedom I had as a child. I lived day to day, with barely a thought of what tomorrow might bring. My life now is very different. I work full time, five days a week, nine hours a day and spend much time thinking about what to do on my next day off. Perhaps my incessant need to schedule and organise our time was why my fiancé decided to leave me for another woman.
We had just come back from two amazing weeks in the Caribbean. Long walks on the beach, watching the beautiful sunsets, boat trips, swimming with dolphins, a proposal. I thought I had it all when I walked through that arrivals gate at Gatwick. I had the future I’d always dreamt of, with a man that I loved to the end of the earth and back.
We planned the wedding together. I looked online and showed him what I’d found. We visited venues, picked the colours, discussed decorations, started to choose the music I would walk down the aisle to. Every decision we made together, including the date. We’d already bought the card and stamps ready to make our own invitations.
It was at our engagement party that the bombshell was dropped. In front of everyone I was told that I wasn’t loved, wasn’t cherished and was in fact getting in the way of a new relationship that the love of my life wished to pursue. The girl in question with no shame of her behaviour, was present that night and again, in front of everyone, took my fiancé home with her. I felt my whole life crumble and cave in around me as I was left to deal with a rejection so harsh, I couldn’t feel anything but self pity.
I relapsed to the days of my childhood. It hurt too much to think more than a day ahead – my birthday, Christmas. I still had my family and friends, but no one special to treasure the moments with. Our anniversary had been the day before and now I understood why I didn’t get a card, or flowers or time spent with me. It seems that when someone has cheated on you and lost their heart to another person, then you are just a casualty of war. All’s fair after all.
At no point did I receive an apology for the infidelity. Instead, I was told how sorry he was how things came out. Apparently four years and a proposal don’t guarantee you common courtesies.
But this was when my life changed. My life had been planned, structured and was ready for the organised route of - buy a house, get married, then have kids. Suddenly, within a matter of hours, I was left to fend for myself with no hint of a plan in sight.
I decided at this point, I had two paths I could go down. The first path led me to anger, upset and a long time of self loathing. I could rehash previous events again and again in the vain hope that I would find exactly what it was that I’d done wrong. (I was desperately trying to keep the vindictive thoughts at bay) Or, I could move upwards. I could rise above the whole mess and become the better person. In 10 years time when I look back at my life, I want to be proud of my actions. I want other people to look at me and think ‘wow, she handled that well’.
The path I have chosen is not an easy ride. To still speak to the cheater and know that he’s still seeing the other girl is incredibly hard. People don’t know how to react to me when I bring him up in a conversation. Four years together means we’ve done an awful lot of things and it’s very hard to go ‘I’ve done that’ without mentioning the other person’s name. Some are okay, others try to change the subject as quickly as possible and then there are those who can’t even look me in the eye. I’m not the one who did anything wrong, but I’m still left to deal with the mess.
The other person will always have to deal with the fact that despite the situation he grew up with, he still followed in his father's footsteps and broke a woman's heart, all for his own selfish means. He will always be a cheater and there will always be that small seed of doubt in any future partner that if he cheated on his fiancee, then he can certainly cheat on his girlfriend.
I however have decided to put the past behind me as much as possible. It kills me to know that the love of my life will never come crawling back and give me the opportunity to call the shots, but perhaps it's just as well, for I don't think I have much room for him in my new life. I've been given a second chance at things and I plan to make the most of it!
There is life after love and that's what I'm determined to find.
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