The Ultimate Test

Jumping from a plane without a parachute, cutting my wrists before swimming with a great white shark, not getting my mum a card on mother's day....as horrendous as these may sound, they are nothing compared to the death defying, awe-inspiring, adrenaline pumping feat I have just completed. A civil evening with the ex-fiance.

Obviously our break-up came as a surprise to everyone including my ex, who had kindly pre-booked theatre tickets for us for a show that took place several months after our disengagement. I recently had two options before me:

1. Don't go. I'm not thinking about me, but the awkwardness that the two other people that are supposed to be going with us, might feel. £30 is a lot of money to waste when you would quite frankly, be somewhere else.
2. Go. We've got good seats for a show I want to see. Besides, I could make the extra effort and show him what he's missing out on!

I spent a lot of time trying to make it look like I hadn't spent a lot of time trying to look good that night. I went back to the hairdressers and asked for even more hair to be chopped off (I haven't had it this short since I was 12 - but I do love it!) and had my outfit planned a week in advance. As I sat opposite him in the pub beforehand, I wondered why I'd bothered. I spent 4 years with the guy, so I must have found him attractive in some way, but I was really struggling now to see what that attraction was. I'm not going to go into details, in fairness to the guy, but I had made alot of effort to look hot...and he, quite frankly...had not.

The evening was fine, the company was relaxed and the show was awful, but I'm incredibly glad that I went that night. I can now safely say that the final nail is in the coffin and I feel relieved of any feelings I may have pertained towards the boy who broke my heart.

After the show finished and we parted company, I could only think of a birthdy party that I had turned down an invitation for. After a 30 mile round trip to discover any single, tall, dark & handsome males I could be missing out on, I was further disappointed to discover that I was the only sober person in a house full of drunks, but at least they appreciated they effort I had gone to with my appeareance. Drunk or not, I'm not going to say no to a compliment!

So far, I've only discovered that my thoughts continually came back to the 'love of my life' that I'm trying to get over, whatever I do. After last night however, I've realsied that I don't actually hold feelings for this person anymore. Yes, he cheated on me and that is probably the most unforgiveable deed a partner can ever do, but I don't care any longer. Mr tall, dark and handsome is waiting for me around the corner and I'm determined to have lots of fun kissing the frogs until I find my prince. If life after love is going to teach me anything, it's about surprises. You can't rely on what you thought was going to happen - it's all about what you don't know is going to happen.

The soundtrack to my life

I'm going through a phase of trying to relate song lyrics to my life. I know it's stupid and I'm still yet to find a song that fits my life exactly, but I still do it. 'Keep on Moving' Five, 'Bright Lights' Matchbox 20, 'Love The Way You Lie' Eminem & Rihanna, 'Behind Hazel Eyes' Kelly Clarkson - I'm there, desperately twisting their stories to fit my own. Even if most of the song doesn't fit the way I feel, there's always one line, one powerful poetic line that hammers home.

I often wonder that if I were to make a playlist to summarise my life now, what would be on it. Would it be all doom and gloom - 'turn yourself around and come on home' or more 'I'm better off on my own'. I would definately have to go with the latter, but there's always those relapse moments where I stop and wonder. If I played him my CD, would he realise what he's done, what I'm going through and take me back?!

I suppose my soundtrack would have to open with Beyonce 'Single Ladies'. I remember dancing to it in a club when it first come out and being really aware that as someone's girlfriend, I couldn't 'put my hands up'. I felt left out and really wanted to, so I did a sneaky little half 'woo' with my hands. Maybe I should call this a blessing in disguise. I no longer have to feel excluded. I am a single lady. Shame they don't really play that song so much anymore!

My soundtrack continually changes depending on my mood or my day. What I do know for certain though, is my soundtrack is far more varied and exciting than it would have been had my life continued on its 'blissful' course. Everything from rock to cheesy pop music is a refreshing break from the sickening lovey-dovey tunes that would have been on my CD. Life after love is proving to be varied and colourful. I think I like it!

Flirting for the first time...again...

It's only been two and a half months since the split, but I'm starting to notice myself flirting more and more with any attractive men I encounter. It starts off with a girlish giggle, maybe a little hair flick, followed by large amounts of eye contact and smiling. I catch myself doing it and suddenly stop. I should feel guilty, it hasn't been that long! But just look at those beautiful blue eyes he has, that smile....

Then I realise exactly what I've got to go through all over again. Flirting, the texting, the insane paranoia that develops over the most stupid of things! 'He hasn't text me back yet, why not?' or ''He didn't put a kiss at the end of the text, but he did last time, what did I say?' I remember overanalysing every little detail in the beginnings of my previous relationships - and I know I'm not alone in this one - but god, do I really have to go through that again? I'd love to say 'no, I'll play it cool', but we all know that sadly, I probably won't.

A friend recently made a very interesting observation. She asked if during an innocent conversation with a man, he had gone out of his way to make a comment about his girlfriend. Sounds weird, I know, but even as she said it, it rang a few bells. It's like they feel guilty for even talking to another woman, so to make themselves feel better again, they mention their other half. That's fine if you were starting to giggle at his jokes, but if the conversation was about how your company recently reached their latest sales target, probably not!

With this new bit of information I realised that if I found a man attractive, then what's the harm in me having a little flirt with him? If he had a girlfriend, chances are that he's going to find a way to bring it up - unless he's one of..those..men - but if he didn't, then what have I got to lose? I've got to make things happen for myself, no one else is going to set me up on dates, so why not just go for it?

I then embarked on my first, single night out in town in a long, long time and loved every minute of it! I didn't have to worry about not making eye contact with someone of the opposite sex, or discourage their advances whilst trying to dance with my friends. I did the complete reverse and was very happy to find that other men find me attractive.

Greatest achievement that night - not texting the ex, telling him of my success and what he's missing out on. Temptation can be an absolute killer and if he had been a slice of cake, or bar of Galaxy, I may well have succumbed to his lure. Fortunately for me, he isn't and my phone stayed at the bottom of my bag whilst I enjoyed the rest of my evening.

I wonder now how I went for four years without a really good flirt. The confidence boost you can feel from one wink, or cheeky smile, is immense. If life after love is going to be like this, I think I'm going to have quite a bit of fun!

Empathy for addicts

I'm starting to wonder if this is what it's like for drug addicts. I've gone through the withdrawal symptons (well, my version of them at any rate) - mild depression, panic attacks, emotional unstability - and come out  the other side. However, I still get the occasional relapse. If I made more of an effort would he like me? He loved me once, what's to say he won't love me again? Do we really have any issues here?

At this point I hit myself around the head with a very large and heavy object. Common sense comes flooding back to me and I realise exactly why my forethoughts are never going to happen. Sometimes it takes a little more than a knock to take my head out of the clouds. This is where I like to have a brief conversation with 'He Who Must Not Be Named' as it's a sure-fire way to guarantee that I'm not going to like him afterwards. He doesn't say anything particularly rude, but the one-sided questions get a bit boring after a while as his ever increasing lack of interest in me becomes more apparent.

I don't know when that moment will finally come when I realise that my heart is no longer his. I know that I deserve better and believe me, I want it, but it all just seems an uphill struggle until that point. It's always made worse by the fact that he's not going through any of this - new girlfriend and all that - but I'm determined I will get there. Hopefully sooner rather than later!

A colleague suggested to me that perhaps I should go to the cinema by myself. I thought she was crazy, I couldn't possibly do that - how embarassing! I have been thinking about it though and it's going to be my next mission. If I can go to the cinema myself (and it won't be the one I work at - that's cheating!) then surely I can conquer anything?!

Here's to life after love, which apparently means solo trips out in public! :-)

Where next?

So I've started ticking off the list of 'break up essentials' that every woman must go through. My hair which once hung nearly half way down my back is now just below my shoulders. Add in a few lowlights and voila! That's one dramatic haircut.

I also had a bizarre moment as I found myself confirming online payment for a treadmill. Exercise? Me? Anyone who knows me will confirm that I'm not usually the most enthusiastic of people when it comes to exercise. But I have piled on a few too many pounds since I've been in the 'happy' relationship, so it's time to do something about it. I am a little concerned however as instead of turning into the chic temptress I'm aiming for, I turn into a red faced, crazy haired mad woman. Definately not the attractive picture I had in mind!

Making friends with my local bar staff has been perhaps my favourite 'tick' so far. I don't even want to think about how many bottles of wine I've consumed since 'that day'. However much I drink, my problems don't go away, but I can safely say that it makes me feel much better about them! Besides, there's nothing like a girly chat and oggle at the very attractive barman when you start to feel low.

Lastly, there was the speed dating. Most people rebound, I however, do it in style! I paid £20 for the privilege of spending an evening with some of the counties moderately attractive guys ranging down to the slightly strange. Some of the oddest of the bunch were possible the more interesting personality wise. But, however much some people strenuously deny this fact - you have to find someone remotely attractive before you can date them. So in order to salvage some kind of worth for my money, I got horribly drunk and flirted unashamedly with men I did not find attractive. Lets just call it a practice run for the real thing!

I've been looking at evening courses - dance classes, yoga, pilates, cookery lessons, psychology lessons. There's so much I want to do now that I don't have to put someone else first in my life. Finally, it's all about me and what I want to do. I feel like a kid who's normally banned from having sugar, being let loose in a sweet shop! What do I go for? Can I have everything??!

It starts with the simple things (like going to the pub when I want to go), but who knows where it ends? Life after love is looking like it could be full of fun....

The happiest holidays of my life were the family trips to Dorset when I was younger. I had no cares or concerns, no tensions or troubles weighing me down. If I wanted to make a sandcastle, or paddle in the sea, or eat an ice cream, I did so with no thought to my clothes, or my weight. They were blissful weeks of running free, getting up to mischief and appreciating the simple things in life.


When I look back now, I envy the freedom I had as a child. I lived day to day, with barely a thought of what tomorrow might bring. My life now is very different. I work full time, five days a week, nine hours a day and spend much time thinking about what to do on my next day off. Perhaps my incessant need to schedule and organise our time was why my fiancé decided to leave me for another woman.

We had just come back from two amazing weeks in the Caribbean. Long walks on the beach, watching the beautiful sunsets, boat trips, swimming with dolphins, a proposal. I thought I had it all when I walked through that arrivals gate at Gatwick. I had the future I’d always dreamt of, with a man that I loved to the end of the earth and back.

We planned the wedding together. I looked online and showed him what I’d found. We visited venues, picked the colours, discussed decorations, started to choose the music I would walk down the aisle to. Every decision we made together, including the date. We’d already bought the card and stamps ready to make our own invitations.

It was at our engagement party that the bombshell was dropped. In front of everyone I was told that I wasn’t loved, wasn’t cherished and was in fact getting in the way of a new relationship that the love of my life wished to pursue. The girl in question with no shame of her behaviour, was present that night and again, in front of everyone, took my fiancé home with her. I felt my whole life crumble and cave in around me as I was left to deal with a rejection so harsh, I couldn’t feel anything but self pity.

I relapsed to the days of my childhood. It hurt too much to think more than a day ahead – my birthday, Christmas. I still had my family and friends, but no one special to treasure the moments with. Our anniversary had been the day before and now I understood why I didn’t get a card, or flowers or time spent with me. It seems that when someone has cheated on you and lost their heart to another person, then you are just a casualty of war. All’s fair after all.

At no point did I receive an apology for the infidelity. Instead, I was told how sorry he was how things came out. Apparently four years and a proposal don’t guarantee you common courtesies.

But this was when my life changed. My life had been planned, structured and was ready for the organised route of - buy a house, get married, then have kids. Suddenly, within a matter of hours, I was left to fend for myself with no hint of a plan in sight.

I decided at this point, I had two paths I could go down. The first path led me to anger, upset and a long time of self loathing. I could rehash previous events again and again in the vain hope that I would find exactly what it was that I’d done wrong. (I was desperately trying to keep the vindictive thoughts at bay) Or, I could move upwards. I could rise above the whole mess and become the better person. In 10 years time when I look back at my life, I want to be proud of my actions. I want other people to look at me and think ‘wow, she handled that well’.

The path I have chosen is not an easy ride. To still speak to the cheater and know that he’s still seeing the other girl is incredibly hard. People don’t know how to react to me when I bring him up in a conversation. Four years together means we’ve done an awful lot of things and it’s very hard to go ‘I’ve done that’ without mentioning the other person’s name. Some are okay, others try to change the subject as quickly as possible and then there are those who can’t even look me in the eye. I’m not the one who did anything wrong, but I’m still left to deal with the mess.

The other person will always have to deal with the fact that despite the situation he grew up with, he still followed in his father's footsteps and broke a woman's heart, all for his own selfish means. He will always be a cheater and there will always be that small seed of doubt in any future partner that if he cheated on his fiancee, then he can certainly cheat on his girlfriend.

I however have decided to put the past behind me as much as possible. It kills me to know that the love of my life will never come crawling back and give me the opportunity to call the shots, but perhaps it's just as well, for I don't think I have much room for him in my new life. I've been given a second chance at things and I plan to make the most of it!

There is life after love and that's what I'm determined to find.