Writing down my feelings as they've come up over the past few months has given me the chance to really work out what's going on in my head. I always try to be practical about things and as you can see from previous posts, I'm determined not to make the same mistakes again. I even ridiculed my 'old self' for the teenage drama that seems to surround texting a guy. 'I texted him last, so can't text him again', 'Ooh, I got a kiss on the end of this text' etc etc...
So imagine the disappointment I felt when I found myself making these same mistakes again. I thought I was cool, calm and collected, but apparently I'm a total fraud. The worst moment is when you realise that you are behaving completely irrationally, but you still can't help but check your phone every 30 seconds, just in case you missed a message arriving. Then there's that moment when you've got a message, but it's from someone else (my mum's the best at bad timing)! It's alright when I'm in the office at work and no one can see me being so sad, but when I'm around my friends and they pull me up on it...now that's embarassing!
I seem to have fallen at the first hurdle, but I'm not going to let that stop me. Life after love isn't about me behaving like an idiot, but I suppose you just can't help yourself sometimes.
Monday 29 November 2010
Saturday 27 November 2010
A good night out
I've discovered yet another regret. I went out for an early Christmas meal with a group of the ex's female friends last night and without wanting to sound really bland, had a really nice evening. What surprised me on the way home was the thought that if this had been the previous year, I would have gone, but I don't think I would have had quite as good a time. I can't pin point why, but it's just a sneaking suspicion I have.
I used to get on great with the guys, let's face it, that's not exactly a whole load of intellectual conversation you have to tax your brain with! The girls however were a tougher nut to crack and although I never felt left out or ignored, I guess I always felt like I was invited just because I was X's girlfriend. Since the split, I've been really chuffed to be invited out with them still and every time I go, I'm really glad I do. I suppose it's nice to feel that they actually want me there, it's not just a gesture.
The only weird thing with going out with girls slightly older than me is the moment when the conversation swings round to people's 'plans' (see, it's not just me!!). It's genuinely scary to hear someone announce that they're getting pregnant at the end of next year, so the baby will be born the year after. Now that's what I call organised! A fight then nearly broke out about which baby names had already been shotgunned and I actually felt relieved to be single and not really a participant in these kind of conversations anymore. If I'm learning anything throughout this whole process, it's that I have a shed load of time ahead of me and the most serious decision I have to make is whether to drink wine or vodka!
I regret not seeing things for what they actually were all along, but you can't change the past and the newfound optimist in me is all about the future. I know that inevitably my replacement will become part of this group too and to avoid any awkwardness it may be place to step away and relinquish any attachment I have, but in the meantime I love being included and let's face it, it's always a laugh!
Life during love can lose you friendships in some cases, but life after love is all about making them.
I used to get on great with the guys, let's face it, that's not exactly a whole load of intellectual conversation you have to tax your brain with! The girls however were a tougher nut to crack and although I never felt left out or ignored, I guess I always felt like I was invited just because I was X's girlfriend. Since the split, I've been really chuffed to be invited out with them still and every time I go, I'm really glad I do. I suppose it's nice to feel that they actually want me there, it's not just a gesture.
The only weird thing with going out with girls slightly older than me is the moment when the conversation swings round to people's 'plans' (see, it's not just me!!). It's genuinely scary to hear someone announce that they're getting pregnant at the end of next year, so the baby will be born the year after. Now that's what I call organised! A fight then nearly broke out about which baby names had already been shotgunned and I actually felt relieved to be single and not really a participant in these kind of conversations anymore. If I'm learning anything throughout this whole process, it's that I have a shed load of time ahead of me and the most serious decision I have to make is whether to drink wine or vodka!
I regret not seeing things for what they actually were all along, but you can't change the past and the newfound optimist in me is all about the future. I know that inevitably my replacement will become part of this group too and to avoid any awkwardness it may be place to step away and relinquish any attachment I have, but in the meantime I love being included and let's face it, it's always a laugh!
Life during love can lose you friendships in some cases, but life after love is all about making them.
Friday 26 November 2010
Winter Mornings
I miss not having someone to cuddle in bed at night but as I keep learning, for every downside, there is an up. For this point in particular, it is waking up with the duvet cover still on me. No more do I have to suffer the feeble excuse of 'the duvet thieves' who mysteriously come in the night and slide the cover off me and onto the person next to me. Instead, as I lie in the middle, diagonally or like a starfish in my lovely double bed, I can wake up warm, cosy and weirdly happy that I have the whole bed to myself. It didn't bother me one bit when we were together, but now that it's a given, I really like it. Life after love is great for those self indulgent moments you just don't get when you're with someone else.
Monday 15 November 2010
The Plan
My completely irrational fear of running out of time is starting to catch up with me again. I'm only 24 but I want at least one child before I'm 30. So, lets say at least three years together before we get engaged, a year to plan the wedding and then another year before the baby comes, that only gives me a years leeway. Interesting, considering my current single situation...no pressure then!
I was explaining 'the plan' to someone at work and felt like a complete idiot as I stressed the limited time frame I now found myself fighting against. I think the embarassment of sounding totally neurotic shocked me back to reality. Well, for a while at least.
I went out for lunch a couple of days ago with three friends, all of whom are engaged. Two of them have been planning their weddings for ages (it's kind of sad to think I used to wedding dress shopping with them) but the third friend, although they've been engaged for what seems like an eternity, never before showed any inclination of setting a date and making it official. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled for them all and am really looking forward to their weddings (and the chance to dress up!) but it made me realise that I'm now becoming one of the rare, single friends of the group. I used to be part of the 'smug married couples club' before being deposited back on the shelf. I have no complaints about my current situation, but it's just funny to compare myself to Bridget Jones - someone I never thought I'd be. Not all my friends are getting married young, but quite a few of them are. Am I going to be one of the last? Am I going to be the token singleton at each of their weddings? Am I going to become the subject of ridicule as they all slowly pair off, one by one??!
This is where the head banging technique that I learned several months ago, again comes into play. This is probably not anything that any potential suitors who may be reading this will want to hear, but if I'm being honest throughout this whole process, I figured it was something I should admit to.
When everyone around is moving on with their lives and mine appears to stand stationary in comparison, it's hard to know what to think. My short term life is amazing. It's fun, spontaineous and all about me, but what about the long term?
I'm not neurotic, I'm not crazy and I certainly don't want to be classed as controlling, but I do want to find the right person. It's hard to admit that this might not happen for a long time yet, but I only have to look around me and see the people who have already found their match to know that my turn will come. Reading this back it sounds so corny, but if all else fails in life, you can only be positive!
Life after love can be scary and lonely, but it's the unpredictability of it that makes it worthwhile. Nothing ever goes to plan (you've just got to read my first post to understand that!) but it always makes sense to have a rough idea. I'm only 24 and have my whole life ahead of me. Life after love has given me that.
I was explaining 'the plan' to someone at work and felt like a complete idiot as I stressed the limited time frame I now found myself fighting against. I think the embarassment of sounding totally neurotic shocked me back to reality. Well, for a while at least.
I went out for lunch a couple of days ago with three friends, all of whom are engaged. Two of them have been planning their weddings for ages (it's kind of sad to think I used to wedding dress shopping with them) but the third friend, although they've been engaged for what seems like an eternity, never before showed any inclination of setting a date and making it official. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thrilled for them all and am really looking forward to their weddings (and the chance to dress up!) but it made me realise that I'm now becoming one of the rare, single friends of the group. I used to be part of the 'smug married couples club' before being deposited back on the shelf. I have no complaints about my current situation, but it's just funny to compare myself to Bridget Jones - someone I never thought I'd be. Not all my friends are getting married young, but quite a few of them are. Am I going to be one of the last? Am I going to be the token singleton at each of their weddings? Am I going to become the subject of ridicule as they all slowly pair off, one by one??!
This is where the head banging technique that I learned several months ago, again comes into play. This is probably not anything that any potential suitors who may be reading this will want to hear, but if I'm being honest throughout this whole process, I figured it was something I should admit to.
When everyone around is moving on with their lives and mine appears to stand stationary in comparison, it's hard to know what to think. My short term life is amazing. It's fun, spontaineous and all about me, but what about the long term?
I'm not neurotic, I'm not crazy and I certainly don't want to be classed as controlling, but I do want to find the right person. It's hard to admit that this might not happen for a long time yet, but I only have to look around me and see the people who have already found their match to know that my turn will come. Reading this back it sounds so corny, but if all else fails in life, you can only be positive!
Life after love can be scary and lonely, but it's the unpredictability of it that makes it worthwhile. Nothing ever goes to plan (you've just got to read my first post to understand that!) but it always makes sense to have a rough idea. I'm only 24 and have my whole life ahead of me. Life after love has given me that.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
Life is a Rollercoaster
The last girls holiday I had was about four years ago. My ex and I had been seeing each other for a couple of months and as I found myself relaxing with 3 friends by a pool in sunny Crete, all I could think about was him. I had a good holiday, don't get me wrong, but I remember vowing to myself once I was back home that if I wanted a really great holiday, I wouldn't go without him again. Skip forward a few years and I find myself alone and questioning why I found it so damned hard to go a whole day without hearing from him. I manage pretty well now, after all!
It was a random, flippant remark that a friend said to me in the pub (where else?!) that led a group of us to sample the delights of Blackpool for a weekend. It was nearly a month after my birthday, but I can be like the Queen and have two birthdays if I want, right?
We drank lots, took pictures of stupid things, went to the Pleasure Beach, went to a drag show, drank some more...and not once did I even get a hint of that old feeling of missing something. I know it's easy to say now, but why did I really go that long without weekend away with my mates? It's amazing going on holiday with your boyfriend - everything's fluffy and lovely and perfect, but sometimes it's fun just to let loose. 'Pub' was about the only direction I found myself giving the whole weekend. Nothing wrong with that!
The Pleasure Beach is a brilliant theme park which is full of some historical (they even have dated plaques by them so you know exactly how old the death trap you're riding on is!) and some newer rides. I realised as I stood in the queue for the Pepsi Max Big One that perhaps drinking a mixture of vodka, wine and cider hadn't been such a great idea the night before.
Just so you have an idea of how high this ride goes, it was the first thing we saw when we came into Blackpool - from the other end of the town! I've wimped out of rides before and done the walk of shame past the people behind in the queue and it's really embarassing. The 'obviously can't hack it' comment still haunts me to this day! My other option of escaping the embarassment of vomiting over myself on the ride was to wait until it was our turn before quickly running through the carriage and down the exit ramp. I found myself trying to work out if I was experiencing a 'Final Destination 3' moment. Am I getting a premonition that the cars are going to de-rail and we're all going to die?! Sadly no, I think that's my stomach wondering if it'll make the trip too.
I love my friends, but they did gang up on me and point out a major flaw in my 'yes man' theory if I didn't go through with the ride. I cursed them and called them some lovely names as we climbed to the top of the first peak - which coincidentally is also the tallest bit. There was a stunning view of the sea, but it only seemed to remind me that the further up we went, the further there was to fall. I filled my lungs with air and bellowed with all my might as we tipped over the edge and began our descent, but much to my amazement I found my screams turning to a 'whoop' of delight. This was fun (and vomit free in case you were wondering)!
I repeated this experience on most of the other rollercoasters that day and each one, made me realise that although it sounds incredibly corny (and not just quoting a Ronan Keating song), life kind of is like a rollercoaster. I didn't want to break up with the ex and desperately went through the options trying to find a way out, to no avail. I went through all kind of emotions and undoubtedly called him all kinds of names before breaching the crest and disappearing over the other side to what can only be described as a bloody brilliant time. I would even repeat the whole experience again!
I don't want this to reflect badly on him as I had an amazing time when we were together, but my priorities have changed now and it ultimately results in me having more fun! If he hadn't done what he did and we were still together, I can honestly say that this weekend would never have happened. In terms of girls (and boy) holidays, this was definately one of the best!
Life after love isn't just about saying 'yes' to everything, but about taking risks and wanting to try new things. I felt proud of myself as I stepped off the Big One. I haven't pushed my boundaries in a long time and although my comfort zone is a great place to be, I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer.
It was a random, flippant remark that a friend said to me in the pub (where else?!) that led a group of us to sample the delights of Blackpool for a weekend. It was nearly a month after my birthday, but I can be like the Queen and have two birthdays if I want, right?
We drank lots, took pictures of stupid things, went to the Pleasure Beach, went to a drag show, drank some more...and not once did I even get a hint of that old feeling of missing something. I know it's easy to say now, but why did I really go that long without weekend away with my mates? It's amazing going on holiday with your boyfriend - everything's fluffy and lovely and perfect, but sometimes it's fun just to let loose. 'Pub' was about the only direction I found myself giving the whole weekend. Nothing wrong with that!
The Pleasure Beach is a brilliant theme park which is full of some historical (they even have dated plaques by them so you know exactly how old the death trap you're riding on is!) and some newer rides. I realised as I stood in the queue for the Pepsi Max Big One that perhaps drinking a mixture of vodka, wine and cider hadn't been such a great idea the night before.
Just so you have an idea of how high this ride goes, it was the first thing we saw when we came into Blackpool - from the other end of the town! I've wimped out of rides before and done the walk of shame past the people behind in the queue and it's really embarassing. The 'obviously can't hack it' comment still haunts me to this day! My other option of escaping the embarassment of vomiting over myself on the ride was to wait until it was our turn before quickly running through the carriage and down the exit ramp. I found myself trying to work out if I was experiencing a 'Final Destination 3' moment. Am I getting a premonition that the cars are going to de-rail and we're all going to die?! Sadly no, I think that's my stomach wondering if it'll make the trip too.
I love my friends, but they did gang up on me and point out a major flaw in my 'yes man' theory if I didn't go through with the ride. I cursed them and called them some lovely names as we climbed to the top of the first peak - which coincidentally is also the tallest bit. There was a stunning view of the sea, but it only seemed to remind me that the further up we went, the further there was to fall. I filled my lungs with air and bellowed with all my might as we tipped over the edge and began our descent, but much to my amazement I found my screams turning to a 'whoop' of delight. This was fun (and vomit free in case you were wondering)!
I repeated this experience on most of the other rollercoasters that day and each one, made me realise that although it sounds incredibly corny (and not just quoting a Ronan Keating song), life kind of is like a rollercoaster. I didn't want to break up with the ex and desperately went through the options trying to find a way out, to no avail. I went through all kind of emotions and undoubtedly called him all kinds of names before breaching the crest and disappearing over the other side to what can only be described as a bloody brilliant time. I would even repeat the whole experience again!
I don't want this to reflect badly on him as I had an amazing time when we were together, but my priorities have changed now and it ultimately results in me having more fun! If he hadn't done what he did and we were still together, I can honestly say that this weekend would never have happened. In terms of girls (and boy) holidays, this was definately one of the best!
Life after love isn't just about saying 'yes' to everything, but about taking risks and wanting to try new things. I felt proud of myself as I stepped off the Big One. I haven't pushed my boundaries in a long time and although my comfort zone is a great place to be, I don't want to miss out on anything life has to offer.
Monday 1 November 2010
Bingo!
'It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possesion of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.'
I used to look on this as my favourite quote from my favourite book (Pride & Prejudice, if you were a little lost) but I seem to have taken it a little bit too much to heart as I disembarked on my most recent adventure. Where better to find a rich man, than at bingo?!...Oh, how wrong I was!
Some people had taken great pleasure in advising me of the amount of elderly patrons I was to encounter on my latest trip, but I was fortunately graced with an even mix of ages as we stepped into the bingo hall. I've never been before (I hold my hands up to playing a couple of games online, but as it turns out, I wasn't playing proper bingo at all!) and was surprised to see a mixture of the blue-rinse brigade ranging through to the early 20s - excluding myself and my friends of course.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and giggled like a pubescent school child throughtout most of the games. Did I win? Well, I am delighted to announce that I won't be giving up my day job anytime soon, despite my amazing win of £1.67! I'd like to call it sod's law that despite the ONE line that I get, 3 other people also call out 'Wahey!' on. 'Just my luck' doesn't really describe it!! Did I get a single bean during the line that could have won my £1,000? No, I've realised that my luck is best saved for the games where £5 is at stake...
A special thanks has to go out to two of my best friends that went with me tonight, as without their incredibly bad losing streak, my amazing £1.67 win wouldn't really count as anything! I dutifully bought them a round of drinks in the pub afterwards, but I somehow feel that they didn't truely appreciate the debt that I'd paid to them, particularly as one drink of blackcurrant cider (yes, it's every bit as bad as it sounds) went untouched.
Life after love is all about saying 'yes' to things you never really thought you would do. I used to laugh at my ex's group of 'girl'-friends who went to bingo on a montly basis. Honestly! Who does that at our age?! It was kind of sad seeing the little old ladies perched on the edge of their seats, right at the front of the room, but it made me feel positive about my life. If all else goes wrong, I've always got Bingo - and believe me, if I win as many times as they did, I won't be very upset!
I used to look on this as my favourite quote from my favourite book (Pride & Prejudice, if you were a little lost) but I seem to have taken it a little bit too much to heart as I disembarked on my most recent adventure. Where better to find a rich man, than at bingo?!...Oh, how wrong I was!
Some people had taken great pleasure in advising me of the amount of elderly patrons I was to encounter on my latest trip, but I was fortunately graced with an even mix of ages as we stepped into the bingo hall. I've never been before (I hold my hands up to playing a couple of games online, but as it turns out, I wasn't playing proper bingo at all!) and was surprised to see a mixture of the blue-rinse brigade ranging through to the early 20s - excluding myself and my friends of course.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and giggled like a pubescent school child throughtout most of the games. Did I win? Well, I am delighted to announce that I won't be giving up my day job anytime soon, despite my amazing win of £1.67! I'd like to call it sod's law that despite the ONE line that I get, 3 other people also call out 'Wahey!' on. 'Just my luck' doesn't really describe it!! Did I get a single bean during the line that could have won my £1,000? No, I've realised that my luck is best saved for the games where £5 is at stake...
A special thanks has to go out to two of my best friends that went with me tonight, as without their incredibly bad losing streak, my amazing £1.67 win wouldn't really count as anything! I dutifully bought them a round of drinks in the pub afterwards, but I somehow feel that they didn't truely appreciate the debt that I'd paid to them, particularly as one drink of blackcurrant cider (yes, it's every bit as bad as it sounds) went untouched.
Life after love is all about saying 'yes' to things you never really thought you would do. I used to laugh at my ex's group of 'girl'-friends who went to bingo on a montly basis. Honestly! Who does that at our age?! It was kind of sad seeing the little old ladies perched on the edge of their seats, right at the front of the room, but it made me feel positive about my life. If all else goes wrong, I've always got Bingo - and believe me, if I win as many times as they did, I won't be very upset!
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